The World’s a Beast of a Burden

[I desperately want to believe that You think I am enough.]

I found these words in my journal tonight as I flipped through the pages for the first time in a month. This journal is the place where my soul is laid bare, the one place on earth where my thoughts are given life. This journal, and the previous ones before it, is the ink-bleeding, raw, incarnate form of Moriah’s heart, and whenever I take the time to read back through it, I am always astounded at the places God has taken me and the things he has taught me. As I looked back over my musings from these last three months, I remembered the prevailing theme of God’s hand in my life over the past semester, and I felt deeply impressed to share it with you all. So here goes nothing 😉

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Have you ever felt like you weren’t enough?

That question seems laughable to me, because of course you have. Everyone has.

I have.

Society constantly tells us to be more. Satan tells us to be more. Prettier, funnier, more charming, less abrasive, more flirty, less flirty, smarter, quieter, louder, happier- whatever you are, it is not right. You could be better.

I can’t begin to tell you how strongly this lie has held me for a long, long time. I like feeling like I am enough. I like feeling in control.

So whenever something wouldn’t go my way, whenever I fell short again or didn’t receive something I thought I deserved, I told myself that it was my fault.

“If I was better, Jesus would be blessing me more.”

It was easier to think this way, because I don’t like being mad at God for things. If I could earn my way into his blessing, then there was no reason to think he was withholding anything. My legalistic self loved this sentiment- try harder and you’ll get more. Be perfect and you’ll finally be worth Jesus’ time. And so I would go and I would try harder, give my all to being perfect. But it never worked. I could never reach the level of perfection that I needed to. And that’s when the lies came crashing back down.

You are not enough, Satan would say. You can never be enough. Give up now. 

I wrestled through this issue for the greater part of the last semester. One day I would be fine and the next, it would hit me again like a brick wall. For the first time, I think I truly understood what the difference was between head-knowledge and heart-knowledge. I knew what the truth was, but I couldn’t believe it.

And here’s what the truth is:

I am not enough. No one is enough. Romans 3:23 says in no uncertain terms, “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” By myself, I can never be good enough, because I am flawed. Turns out that Satan was right, but he only told me half of the story.

So here’s the greater truth:

Jesus is enough.

And because He is enough, I am enough.

Washed by His blood, consecrated by His death, saved by His grace, I am no longer me. Instead, He looks at me and says, “You are enough because I am enough and I live in you.” He looks at me and sees his very own child. He breathes love and life and joy over me and he tells me that I don’t have to be perfect.

He tells you that too.

It may not be easy to accept. It may take months for that information to travel the incredibly long distance from your head to your heart, but trust me when I tell you that you are not alone in your struggle.

Florence + the Machine once said, “Oh poor Atlas, the world’s a beast of a burden.” And I know that when you feel like you’re not enough, you feel like you’re carrying the whole weight of the world on your shoulders.

You’re going to have to fight to believe the truth.

Choose to trust that He is who He says He is, and choose to believe that you are who He says you are.

You don’t have to prove anything to anybody.

You are enough because He is enough.

And that is the only thing that matters.